Author: vladmin

Admitting our mistakes and wrong-doing is really difficult to do. I know that it is for me. I generally get along well with and leave others alone. Except when I don’t. Every once in a while, I do something that I know, deep down, that I shouldn’t be doing. Yet, I do it anyway. Why, I don’t know.

Sometimes it is quicker to do something a little bit wrong than to take the time to do it right. Other times, I think that I’ll get something more by fudging the truth a bit. Still other times, I simply want what I want and I do what I have to do to get it.

In all cases, I’ve done something equally wrong. That’s simply another way for saying, I’ve sinned… yet again.

Both in my various readings this week and in the sermon our pastor gave on Sunday, I was reminded of two instances where I’ve knowingly been in the wrong. Two times where I sinned and needed to not only confess it to God (the easy part) but also, to go to the individuals involved and apologize and ask for their forgiveness (this is the hard part.)

I was teetering on conviction when I saw a video by one of the people involved where she talked about how difficult it is for people to apologize but how good it is to do so. Her graciousness slammed me in the head when I thought of how I had taken advantage of her.

Interestingly, one of the instances involved my actions of twenty years ago (with this lovely lady) and the other (with a business), my actions of about a week ago. Two occasions, separated by so many years. I knew that if I didn’t do the tough stuff that it would have its effect on both my relationship with God and with an industry that I am starting to relate to once again.

As I waited for the weekend to be over so I could approach the business that was closed until Monday, I wrote an email to the other individual. I told her what I had done twenty years ago. I didn’t offer an explanation but instead, I told her what I did was wrong and that I apologized and asked her for forgive me.

Monday morning, first thing, I called the business. I tracked down the individual I had spoken to the week before. I told her what had changed in the relationship between her company and my own in the past decade and then told her I thought that my actions the week before were wrong.

I can tell you that confessing my wrong-doing felt like I lost a great weight on my heart. Even though it was difficult and I didn’t want to do it, once done, I felt clean again. I knew that I could ruin my relationship with an individual I respect and sever a relationship with a company that I cared about. Still, it was the right thing to do.

Here’s where it gets even more interesting.

You see, the individual at the company listened to what I had to say. She asked a few questions about my business and then told me that there was no problem, I was still a customer in good standing. While I had thought I needed to fudge my intent with my work, it turned out that the reality of what I will be doing is more than enough. As far as the company was concerned, I had never done anything wrong.

When I got off the phone, I found an email response from the other person. She was not only gracious and forgiving, she told me that what I had done was more than okay with her. She actually wished I had told her what I was doing so she could have provided me with better information than I was able to scrape off her website. She then made some lovely comments and asked me to stay in touch. Now that I could openly talk to her without feeling the stigma of having abused her hospitality in the past, I could see that we could become friends.

So… in both cases, the people involved told me I had done nothing wrong. Does that mean that I hadn’t sinned or wronged them? Absolutely not. What mattered was my intent and my thoughts. My intent was to take advantage of situations and I went about it in ways that weren’t nice.

In the middle of all of this, my on-line Bible life group was discussing the need to apologize. One of the ladies mentioned the old movie saying “love means never having to say you’re sorry”. We all disagreed with the sentiment. To an individual, we all thought love meant saying you’re sorry whenever you hurt the ones you care about.

If it is hard to apologize to people you are only slightly associated with, it is like dragging a millstone around to apologize to someone you love. Is it because we don’t want them to think less of us? Is it because we don’t think we have to give them the same consideration that we give to others in a type of familiarity breeds contempt situation? I’m leaning toward the latter. We get complacent in our relationship and don’t give time or thought to the loved ones feelings and needs.

I think it is also because we hate to admit we are wrong. That means admitting that there is a better way to do things than the approach we have taken. We like to think, deep down, that somehow we are better than the others. That how we think, feel and act are the right ways. That if others would simply emulate us, the world would be a better place.

Except for those times when we know better. At least for me, I know when I’ve done something I should be ashamed of. I usually know it before I do it. I’m given that split second to pull back and do things a better way. Sometimes, I do just that. But other times, I go right on ahead. Not only is it wrong, it has become an intentional sin and not something that I did by accident.

Over the last year, I’ve been working hard on close relationships and learning to say I am sorry. I have also learned to tell others when something they have said or done that is hurtful to me. What I didn’t do was tell them how what they said or did made me feel.

That was a study note from our sermon this week. It was so important in our relationship, my husband took a photo of the comment to keep handy at all times. The comment that we will use from now on is: “When you do abc, it makes me feel like xyz”. Example: When you don’t listen to me, it makes me feel like I don’t matter to you. That is better than just saying I’ve told you this ten times already!

I’ve apologized a lot this week. I’m asking God to let me know if there are others I have harmed that I need to speak to. Perhaps he will reveal them to me now or will do so at the appropriate time. Whenever that is, I know what I will need to do. It’s important for Christians to confess their sins when they happen. We are saved but our relationship with God is still hampered by the weight of the unconfessed sins we have committed since the day we accepted Jesus as our savior.

Jesus told us so when he said: “Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother or sister has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to them; then come and offer your gift.” (Matthew 5:23-24)

It’s so important that it is something we are supposed to do even before heading to church or into prayer. We have God’s forgiveness but we also need to admit and seek the forgiveness of those we have hurt.

Saying we are sorry is very hard to do. It’s at the base of why some people have problems with repenting of sin and accepting Jesus as their savior. To repent, they have to admit they were wrong. They have to say that they are sorry for what they’ve done. They then have to ask Jesus to forgive them and to accept the huge sacrifice that he made on their behalf.

Who wants to be so wrong that the Son of God had to give up his life and to take all of your sins as his punishment? Not many want to admit it but every single one of us is just that guilty.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again… I’m as guilty as any and more so than most. My sins were killing me and I was ready to die. It was at that moment that Jesus revealed himself to me. I’m really that stiff-necked, you know. It took the imminence of death to bring me to my knees. I am so thankful that I took the chance and asked Jesus to be my Lord. I did it on faith and was rewarded with knowledge and understanding thereafter.

That is part of the deal. God wants you to accept Jesus on faith. That takes an act of your free will. Accepting a fact isn’t something that takes thought and risk on your side. Accepting Jesus as savior means stepping out of known fact and into the spiritual world.

Our connection with God is through our spirit and not through our intellect and mind. Having said that, know that there facts and logic surrounding every single thing that is said in the Bible. It’s just that until we have the spiritual connection once again, we are blind to the truth of God’s word. It’s like trying to read a foreign language without a translation key.

When you accept Jesus as your savior, it is like having the Rosetta stone engraved in your mind. With time and study, the Bible that seemed nonsense or inapplicable suddenly seems to have been written just for you.

If you have had problems admitting your failures. If you don’t like to say when you’ve done something wrong. If there are times when you know that you know that you’ve been wrong but are unwilling to let others know… there is someone you can turn to. Jesus knew everything you have or will do, say or think long before you were born. Even with all of that, he was willing to die to save you from an eternity without God. He wants you to be with him forever.

It is available to you but you will have to do the hard thing. You will have to say you are sorry for the sins you have done. You will have to accept that Jesus died so you could be forgiven. You will have to acknowledge that the God of all Creation willingly came into the world to take your punishment. Then, ask him to help you in the future and to guide your path.

Eternity is there waiting for you. It doesn’t take a huge sacrifice on your own behalf as Jesus has taken this one himself. What it will take is admitting that you have been wrong.

Please don’t let saying you are sorry be too hard to do. Saying you are sorry really doesn’t have to be the hardest thing to do.

1 John 8-9

If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. 

It seems like I can never stop talking these days. This is unusual for me. I come from a family of talkers and I was always the quiet one. I would sit and listen and observe but rarely would I have anything to say for myself.

In part, this was because I didn’t think I had much worth talking about and certainly less that I felt that I needed to communicate.

The one exception to this was in my school work. If I was in a class and a question was asked, I would almost certainly be the first one to raise their hand. In fact, one teacher had to ask me to stop answering questions because all of the other students relied upon my knowing the answer and because of it, they did not bother to study. I was so shocked by this that I agreed, in this class, that I would stop answering questions for the rest of the semester.

Sure enough, the first day, no one knew the answers and they kept turning and looking at me as if something dramatic had taken place. I sat and doodled on my notebook and never looked up. By the next day, several brave souls had studied and were able to give answers – whether accurate or not didn’t matter. They were having their voices heard.

Apart from schoolwork, I kept my thoughts and voice to myself. I enjoyed listening to others talk about their lives. This worked well for me because my life was not what most people would be considered the norm. By hearing that others had good lives and that normal things (though not always good) happened, it kept me from dwelling too much on the train wrecks which were more commonplace in my life.

When I was older, I recall going to a counselor as my first marriage was falling apart. I saw her separately and had to speak out loud for half of hour each week about myself. It was kind of like sticking myself with hot pokers and it took the full week to recover enough to do it all over again. But it was worth it as I wanted to be as healthy as possible as I was going to be raising my children pretty much on my own.

Fast forward a few decades to November 2017. This is when I was hospitalized with my current illness/disease. I was given little hope for survival and the large team of doctors decided to, essentially, throw the kitchen sink at me. One doctor listened to what (little) I had to say and thought perhaps I just might be suffering an allergic reaction. Because of this, she ordered massive doses of steroids.

It worked. I popped back up and started breathing and fears of my imminent death receded. The other thing that happened was that my mouth became unsealed. After a lifetime of keeping quiet, I guess I had a lot of things to suddenly say.

I remember thinking to myself (and still do from time to time), “who is this crazy woman and when will she ever shut up?” A nurse stuck a thermometer in my mouth and then he told me it was the only way to keep me quiet. When I apologized (at length, of course), he told me that it was okay. Better me talking than dead, which is what they all had expected to find as they came in to work each day.

I had no idea that steroids had such an oral effect on people. Given the circumstances, I can forgive the doctors for not warning me of the side-effects. After all, they had no idea if it would work at all. Also, in the end, they had to deal with my torrent of words and jokes, which generally left them laughing or at least plugging their ears.

Once home, it was interesting. My poor husband bore the brunt of it. He would ask if I wanted a snack and then get a ten minute dissertation on whatever I was researching that day. More than anyone in this world, I have been open and talked with him but this was much, much more.

Once I was off steroids for a couple of weeks, my talking settled down (as well as the overpowering need to eat something, anything even though I could barely taste food at that point.) Life took on a more normal hue and pace and quietness. That is, until I developed pneumonia once again in June 2018. Back on the steroids I went and am still on them three months later.

My mouth opened once again and words keep falling out. Thankfully, as the steroid is tapered, my need to speak decreases as well. My physical therapist laughs when I tell him I look forward to being quiet when I am off them altogether. He tells me that he thinks that genie is out of the bottle. I will taper again in a couple of weeks. After I get over the point of falling asleep without warning, we’ll see if my talking slows down.

I’ve met a number of individuals since my illness who all think I talk a lot. It’s become a bit of a joke in my internet Bible life group, with me laughingly pointing it out. Still, I would like to be quiet and keep a few thoughts to myself every once in a while.

The one saving grace is that I still like to listen to others and I do remember what they have to say. So when they can get a word in edgewise, it makes my day.

In the middle of all of this, we had a sermon at church this last week that talked about talking. It turns out that both men and women talk about the same amount each day – approximately 16,000 words. Some think that women talk more than men but that turns out to be a scientifically unsupported comment from years ago that has stuck around.

I think that men and women talk about different things and to different purposes. Most men want answers and most women want support. The interesting thing is that people only listen to about 20% of what others have to say.

Apparently, your thoughts move much quicker than the speech of others (though my speech is now pretty darn fast these days – kind of like a rapid action machine gun.) So, while we are comparatively slowly speaking our minds, our intended audience is off thinking thoughts in the playgrounds in their minds.

One wonders which 20% they hear? Is it the important part of what you had to say or merely a word every now and then that pierces through? So many disagreements are based on lack of communication and it is so frustrating when you KNOW that you KNOW that you TOLD that person what needed to be DONE.

So with all of us talking and so little of us listening, is it any wonder that we feel pretty much alone? No one gets us (because, frankly, they didn’t listen to us) and it seems like no one ever will.

It doesn’t help to meet new people because that compounds the problem. Who needs even more people not listening? But that seems to be our go-to answer. Keep searching for the one that “gets” you and will understand you and will then, of course, love you. Based on the science, that search will go on forever and will ultimately end in despair.

Looking to others for validation doesn’t work. We’re all looking for the same thing and, for a time, it seems like maybe the answer is found in another. That is, until the whole cycle of not listening starts all over again.

There is really only one way to find the one who listens to every word and thought that you have. That God knows how many hairs you have on your head tells you how important you are to him. He not only will listen to you, he wants to hear you speak. He wants to have communication and fellowship with you.

The problem is that the path of communication between God and man was broken years ago when Adam first sinned. As warned, when Adam sinned, mankind experienced death. The death was spiritual and immediate although physical death also came along with it. From that moment on, mankind as man was spiritually dead and God is a spirit, man no longer had open communication with God.

God is without sin and, being the just God that he is, cannot have sin around himself. In order to re-open the path of communication, there had to be a way for the obstacle of sin to be removed.

Jesus, who is wholly God and wholly man at the same time, came and willingly took the death punishment we each of us deserve for our sins. For those who accept Jesus’ gift of salvation and whose spirit is then reborn, the path of communication is once more open to God. This is something that is available to everyone and not just to a few. Jesus died for each of us, including you.

If you are tired of speaking and not being heard. If the effort of listening is more than you can bear. If you want someone who will listen to everything you have to say and who will speak words to you that matter, then look to God. He is always present, always loving, and always willing to spend time with you.

Remember, though, he is your Father and not your best friend. The answers he gives you may not be what you want to hear. But they are the answers that will help you through your present problems and help you to grow.

The only way to the Father is through the Son. God has told us that we can only approach him once our sins have been washed away. He promises that as far as the east is from the west, that once we accept Jesus as our Lord and Savior, that is how far our sins will be removed from us.

Accept Jesus and have the loving relationship with God that you were made for. He is there waiting for you but the first move is up to you.

Psalms 103:8-12

The Lord is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love.

He will not always accuse, nor will he harbor his anger forever; he does not treat us as our sins deserve or repay us according to our iniquities.

For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his love for those who fear him; as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us.

Pop culture has had its effect on several generations. There was a time when people were born, lived and died in their small town. They went into the family business, met and married someone local, and had children. They lived a full life knowing that their children and their children’s children would carry on likewise behind them.

Today is different. We are exposed to other cultures, places, things and people on a daily basis. We are losing our local identity and, instead, are taking on a global sense of community.

We read the same books, we listen to the same music, we watch the same movies and we indulge in the same foods and hobbies. Most telling of all, is that we watch the same television programs. Television (whether it is cable or streaming from a provider) has a profound effect upon us. When watching video, our brains are in a receptive mode whereas when we read or otherwise engage in learning, we are in a questioning and analytic mode.

We sit and watch and have the content poured into our heads. There is no interaction, no questioning, no response needed. We just allow someone else to influence us without much thought.

Watching Youtube channels are a little different as you can leave comments and ask questions and many, many people do. Likewise, in many instances, the creators come back and answer those questions or other viewers chime in. So, for this, it seems as if allows for some analytic thought to occur. It’s a little like getting together with a group of friends to find how what they are doing that day/week/month/year.

However, it is still a form of pop culture. I’ve noticed, for years and decades now, that younger people in other countries are losing their accents. I’ve noticed that, in the United States, in regions with traditional accents, those accents are being lost as well. We are all beginning to sound alike, to look alike and probably to think alike, too.

While there is much to be happy about when people get along together, there is also something to mourn about when individuality is lost. As long as we are different, we all have something unique to add to the mix. When we all begin to look and think alike, to the extent we no longer bring something different to the table, innovation slows down.

My husband and I have talked about how, for years, we see that much of television, movies and music has become merely remakes of what has come before. That is not true of all but it is true of much if not most. This is where we lose our ability to create new things. We settle for a “new” version of the old. It sometimes feels as if there is nothing new under the sun.

This is not the first time that mankind has come together in a global way. The first time was in ancient times. Mankind grouped together in one place and decided to build a city that reached to the heavens. They wanted to be as God and do what pleased them.

When God saw their plan, he knew that, with a common plan and language, mankind could do anything they wanted to do. Since the heart of man was evil and had been since the fall in the Garden of Eden, those plans would not be good and true. Their plans would create evil that would effect the earth on a global scale.

So God decided to create various languages so that individuals would group together but that the whole of mankind could not understand one another. He then scattered mankind over the world. That has been how we have been ever since. Cultures and languages unique to the spot in which we landed.

Things started changing when mankind started exploring. They found the New World and individuals from all countries started flooding in. The New World became the Melting Pot as all the cultures would come in and blend. This is reminiscent of metals that are melted together and which form something new and different and, sometimes, something stronger than the individual parts.

So the cultures started dissolving and a common language started emerging. Pop culture created the mold in which the “melted” elements could form.

So, here we are today. We are once again using a common language and bond to create a culture which will reach to the heavens. We want to do everything that we wish to do, without thought to consequences. We want to deny that there is a consequence; to deny that there is a heaven and a hell. Since the heart of mankind is still wicked, the result this time will be the same as it was before.

Will God step in once again? According to the Bible, yes, he will. This time it will be with judgement and not merely a scattering as before. Our technology has grown too much and too quickly for a mere confusing of language to stop us this time.

Is this time imminent? Yes, maybe so. We have been living in the “end times” since Jesus left the earth to go back to heaven (where he serves as his believers advocate to God the Father.) So, the answer has to be, yes, though it could mean a second from now or centuries or more down the road.

However, God’s judgement is for individuals as well as for the world as a whole. Our measure for judgement is the length of our lives. Those lives are not measured in centuries but in seconds, minutes, hours, days and years. We have this moment but nothing promised beyond. We plan our goals and work toward them but life (and death) can step in and stop us in our tracks. So, as individuals, our “end time” is at any moment.

Speaking for myself, absent the redeeming grace of Jesus, my judgement would be Guilty beyond a doubt. I’ve broken the Commandments in both thought and deed. I don’t even have a good excuse, so Guilty as charged. I richly deserve the everlasting punishment that is planned for those who have not measured up to God’s pure standard.

I would not be alone in this punishment. Instead, each and every one of you would be with me, too. You see, we can never measure up and God cannot have imperfection in his presence. It is a dilemma without an answer that mankind can solve.

It took God himself to find a way. His way was to send his son, Jesus, to become a man. To live his life as we do with all of the same temptations we face. Jesus lived our lives but did it without sin. He, alone, was the one man to measure up to perfection. He could have lived out his life and then gone on to spend eternity with God the father.

But that wasn’t God’s plan. God sent Jesus to become a willing sacrifice. Two things are important in that statement. Willing and sacrifice. Jesus had to be willing to give up his own life so that others could join them in eternity. Think of that. How many of us would be willing to die so that other’s souls would be spared? I know that some courageous individuals will give up their lives so others can continue to live. But to do so for the nebulous thought of spiritual eternity? I can’t say I know anyone, myself included, who would do so on our own.

The other word, sacrifice, means giving up something to help someone else. In this case, the something was his own life and the someone else was every single one of us. So great was his sacrifice that the willing shedding of his sinless blood could cover all of mankind and atone for their sins. Just as Adam’s sin was enough to condemn us all at the start.

To change the verdict from Guilty to Innocent is not very difficult to do. It only takes an individual to understand how Jesus lived and that he died for your sins. You can accept his sacrifice, thank him for it, and acknowledge that he stepped in as God to do so.

Because he was God and his life was lived sinlessly, death could not hold him. Three days after his death, he raised to life again. Because Jesus promised his believers that they would share along with him, this resurrection foreshadows that which awaits his believers as well. After accepting Jesus’ free sacrifice on your behalf, acknowledge that he is God and ask him to direct your path from then on and you, too, will live in eternity.

From that moment on you, like me, are covered by grace. When the moment of judgement is upon us, God will look at the list of our sins and only see the blood of Jesus Christ. Not Guilty will be our verdict and we will move on into eternity with God.

There isn’t anything you can say or do or buy and finagle to get the same result. All you can do is accept the free gift that Jesus gave to you two thousand years ago.

I urge you to do so now as this moment will not last forever. You have the moment now but who knows what will happen a minute, hour, day, year from now? The world keeps turning and people keep dying and, frankly, there is nothing new under the sun. Our days are fleeting and like a wisp of smoke. Nothing to hold onto and grab. With nothing of note that will be talked about centuries from now.

Take the time now, while you are thinking about it. If you aren’t sure, then ask God to give you assurance, Because he will do so, if you ask.

Ecclesiastes 1:9-11

What has been will be again, what has been done will be done again; there is nothing new under the sun.

Is there anything of which one can say, “Look! This is something new”? It was here already, long ago; it was here before our time.

No one remembers the former generations, and even those yet to come will not be remembered by those who follow them.

Here I had been thinking that, between my leg/hip issue and the Sands of the Sahara, my next visit to the fancy-schmancy pulmonary doctor would show a decrease in my health. Turns out, I was wrong. For that, I give glory to God and thanks to those of you who are praying for me.

I am back to walking though for less time (but building up) and certainly fewer times per day. I’m now walking three times a day instead of seven. I’m building back up and will advance two of those walks to at least one mile per day (currently at one/third of a mile each.) The third walk is one that I will walk either without oxygen or, when pollution levels are high, with oxygen and a mask but breathing slowly, quietly and deeply – something which is difficult for me to maintain.

I am still doing my arm exercises with two four-pound weights but can’t do the standing leg exercises as yet. I will one day but not until the therapist approves. He is incorporating some leg movements into our therapy sessions but we have a new and, for me, a much more difficult focus.

We are now focused on my core. Actually, I should say, on my lack of a core. I can’t even blame the three pregnancies as I have been in good shape since those years. Nope, this is sloth plain and simple. I thought I would, since this is a Christian blog, put it in terms of one of the seven deadly sins. So, yes, I have been enormously slothful in recent years. I keep busy but not with anything resembling physical exertion. That has to stop.

One of the interesting things that has happened is that my physical therapist is still with me. Just before I hurt my foot/leg/abdomen/SI joint, we were on point of parting company. He thought I was doing well enough to see an outside therapist. The injury stopped that plan in its tracks. It also allowed him time to ponder that I am unable to get out of the house at a scheduled time due to pollution or allergy issues. So, at this point, as long as it makes sense and the insurance approves it, he will continue to make home visits. I am grateful for his conclusion and again, thank God for sending such a good and Christian therapist my way.

What is a little amusing is that one of the core exercises yesterday tweaked an old hamstring injury on my left leg. I have a lateral tear of the hamstring which is something that rarely heals. Because it is weak, when it gets tweaked, it doesn’t support my knee as well. When that happens, the knee aches. So last night, while walking, I noticed it hurt. So I shortened my stride and that was enough to make the pain go away.

So, to the doctor today. Between X-rays and lab work and other such fun stuff, I also had a pulmonary function test and something called a six-minute walk. The pulmonary function test tests lung capacity and the six minute walk tests what level of oxygen you need to be at when you are walking at your normal walking pace.

I know this now but didn’t know this on my first visit to this fancy doctor. During my first six minute walk, I steamrolled as fast as I could and was huffing and puffing from exertion. Based on that test, the doctor wanted to bump me from 1 liter of oxygen to 4 liters per hour. I objected and discussions ensued. We resolved a way we could both be happy and off I went until this visit.

Along the way, my therapist explained that most people just want to live life as they did before their illness changed them and that a higher level of oxygen would do that. What it would not do is challenge them and provide the exercise that they need to improve lung function. Well, I’m all about doing the work to get a better grade so it makes sense that I want the harder challenge.

Back to today. I was sure the lung capacity test would show a decrease – but it did not. It was nominally improved which, considering all the sands and pollution we have had, is astounding. Once I am able to do more of the deep breathing exercises, it should make a more noticeable difference. We all agreed (months ago) that it made no sense to deeply breathe in a bunch of sand so, while I exercise, I have had to wear a mask. Hopefully, when the pollution levels drop and the weather cools, I will be back to taking deep breaths.

The real change was in the six minute walk. Because of the SI issue, I have been walking fairly slow at just over one mile per hour. Because of the hamstring issue, my stride was ridiculously short today. I felt like a fifteenth century court dandy mincing along in silk stockings and bejeweled, high-heeled shoes (except of course, I was wearing Croc flip-flops and stockings are long a thing of my past.) But, you get the picture.

So, I’m tiptoeing along and my oxygen rates are great. I might have made it through the whole test without oxygen added except my knee started hurting. Of course, the test results were skewed because I have a much longer stride. But, in the end, it gave us a better base line and the doctor told me I didn’t need to have a higher level than 2 liters of oxygen. Of course, I will still stay at 1 liter most of the time as it is the challenge and rehabilitation that I need.

On my last visit, they took 13 vials of blood to test me for exposure to all of the things they felt may have caused my problem. They all came back negative. Same for other types of illnesses which may mimic the same symptoms. Again, negative.

Apparently, I have a classic case of Hypersensitivity pneumonitis. That means that I am allergic to something and it caused an allergic reaction that was severe and continues. We don’t know what it was or when I was exposed and maybe we simply will never know. I had given the doctor a list of things that I thought might have been one or more of the issues (such as Los Angeles air pollution, dust, and even the down pillows I had slept on) and he agreed with those. To that end, we are removing/avoiding those items and hobbies which are on the list. That may help but then again, it may not. Only time will tell.

I have come to the conclusion that God wanted me to focus on things that I can only accomplish from the house. Getting out and about is currently a distraction. I’ve told God that I will wait on him to know when I should expand my horizons and I won’t push it before. I’m involved with online ministry from our church (as a consumer not on one of the teams) and I will keep looking for and asking for new and additional resources from them. Not only for myself but for others as well. If I have these needs, there are many, many more who have them as well.

There have been a couple of times when I felt a little sorry for myself and God was good to answer me with a little slap upside the head. I communicate with others on my book blog and youtube channel. When I felt a little down and out, I found out just how good I have it.

There are others who are hurting so much more. They have such serious issues and have lived with them for such a long time. After learning of their struggles, I realized that I am such a lucky and blessed person. Not only am I doing well but I have a loving husband who stepped up and takes great care of me. In my husband’s actions, I see the love of Christ for his bride, the church. I won’t give you a laundry list of my blessings, suffice to say it is long and appreciated.

My experimental drug is to be increased and my steroid’s cut in half. Hopefully, that means I’ll only talk half as much but who knows? Maybe that is one of the reasons why this has happened – I had to open my mouth and yammer endlessly about stuff that has happened to me over the years. I was happy to write about it but seriously, I had to talk about it, too?

I am sleeping better at night, am able to take legitimate naps during the day (instead of clunking face first into my dinner plate when overcome by exhaustion – anyone whose had long term steroids, say amen.) I can read for a time and stitch for a time (wearing a mask of course to keep the particulates out of my lungs.) What I still can’t do is watch television. My taste for it has gone away completely. Can’t say I miss it. I’d rather spend my time of this earth doing something other than watching life go by on the good ole Tee Vee.

So, God has been merciful and he is directing my path. I keep trying to stray off into areas that I “think” are good for me and God keeps nudging/pushing/shoving me back where I belong. I’m breathing and walking and eating (a little too much if truth were told) and reading and having a fine time of life. My husband and I are great company and the kids and the grands come by when we are all well.

God is good. Life is good. I’m happy to be alive, living for Christ and thanking God for each day as it arrives. Truly, what more can we ask for?

Matthew 6:31-34

Do not worry then, saying, ‘What will we eat?’ or ‘What will we drink?’ or ‘What will we wear for clothing?’ “For the Gentiles eagerly seek all these things; for your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. “But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.

“So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Why is it that we humans start to separate into groups and cliches? We seem to like to be part of a group that is somehow separated from the rest of mankind. We start with a common interest and then, sometimes subtly and sometimes not so subtly, a fight for the leadership emerges. I’ve generally found that amongst men, that fight is overt. With women, it is much more subtle.

Once the hierarchy is established, then the exclusionary guidelines emerge. With men, the starting point seems to be a common interest with some qualifiers. If you want to join a group that bikes 50 miles a day, then you need to have a bike and be physically fit enough and have time enough to do the physical labor.

With women, the qualifiers are less obvious and can be based on socio/economic factors. Do you live in the right place? Do you wear the right clothes? Are you thin enough? Are you too smart, too dumb? Who are you exactly and why would we want to spend any time with you. This rather than expressing an interest and/or a talent in the what seems to be the subject at hand.

People laughingly talk about mean girls in high school but it starts much earlier than that. I recall my younger daughter crying when she was only eight years old because all of her friends had decided to “dump” her that week. By the next week, they had split into factions and some of the friends were back having “dumped” the others. By the next week, the groups were re-forming.

I went to the school and told them what was happening and insisted that they separate the girls from each other until this phase had passed. Which it did – at least for that time being. I also had a long talk with my daughter about finding new friends who were not being hurtful and mean. I’d love to tell you it all worked out but this daughter still has a hard time understanding why some people don’t like her.

I was a popular girl when young but then voluntarily withdrew from being friends with others when it was pointed out to me how different I was. I wanted to simply disappear and not be pointed out as odd. I’d rather be alone than be too different from the others. While I was able to keep to myself for most of the time I was in school, school eventually ended and I needed to join the real world to make a living.

As part of that plan, I also made an effort to fit in with other women. I sat at lunch and listened to their interests and tried to find one or more that I thought I could be interested in as well. I remember buying a needlepoint kit and trying to work with it. I admit that I pretty well hated it and was horrible at it but I still tried. Then I overheard some of the women laughing about what I was doing and mocking me for even thinking someone like me could afford such an elegant hobby.

So, that was the end of that for me. What did come out of it was that in the same area of the store where these kits were kept was another form of needlework called cross stitch. I had seen Dutch cross stitch when my then mother-in-law, showed a wonderful antique sampler that was in her husband’s family. So, when I found a booklet about Precious Moments by Designs by Gloria and Pat, I picked it up and used the instructions in the book to learn how to stitch.

By then, I had had my first baby and wanted to stitch the “Jesus Loves Me” design for his birth sampler and then later on, one for my older daughter. When I discovered I could customize the words and the colors to match what I wanted, I knew that I had found my hobby. It’s something I still enjoy today and oddly enough, I’m back stitching the same two designs for my grandson and granddaughter!

At the same time, I thought I would like to learn to quilt. I picked up a pattern, bought the fabric and then had the epiphany that I could use fusible interfacing to hold the applique pieces together when I satin stitched around the edges. When I went to show the quilt shop what I had done, they laughed out loud and told me that I had done it all wrong and would have to start all over again.

Well, I didn’t and while I put the baby blanket together, I never learned how to physically quilt the pieces together and then have never tried to do another quilt to this day (though I have bought a lot of fabric thinking that someday I would.) What is funny to me now, is that many quilters use the same process that I used to back in 1980. I guess I was just, literally, decades ahead of my time.

Even in my cross stitch hobby, groups of women (and some men) put in arbitrary rules that will determine just how acceptable you and your work will be. Since I don’t follow most of those rules, I’m pretty much on the outside. Which I’ve learned not to mind.

I stitch in hand not on a hoop, I use the “sewing” method rather than the more elegant “stab” method. I carry threads over the back of the work (though not too far). I don’t always remove my errors and instead work around them. I don’t always use the recommended threads/fabric most of the time and I’m generally willing to change things up in the design to suit me rather than what the designer did to begin with. Most of this “breaks” the rules.

At another point in life, I tried once again to “fit in”. This time, I compromised my integrity by going along to get along – within a group of Christian women. My elder daughter took me to task about it. She was upset and remains upset with me to this day over what I allowed to be said and done to me. She was right and I was wrong and I’ve learned much from the experience. I had taught her to defend herself and then let someone else walk all over me in order to remain part of the group. After this experience, I withdrew once again and have kept pretty much to myself since then.

After my illness last fall, I realized, once again, the fact that I had so little interaction with other women. I’ve found, in life, that I got along better with men and made my friends amongst them. So, when I decided to look for female friends, I went back to my hobbies. I found that communities of people with common interests are finding each other on the internet. Whether using Instagram or YouTube, they either text each other or record videos to keep their friends updated. I thought this was something I could do.

Then I watched some more. I was looking at videos that were originally recorded a year ago and worked my way to current day. What I found was that, while the individuals had started out helpful and good-intentioned, they had morphed into celebrity status (at least in their own minds) by their most recent videos.

It was enough to turn me off and to realize that what I was doing, yet again, was setting myself up for a slap-down by the mean girls. I decided to save myself the grief and simply not try to be involved with them at all.

I’m still struggling with that decision. I know, that as a Christian, I am supposed to go out and let the love of Christ be shown through my life. That I want to avoid hurtful moments is not something that I am supposed to do. It is a form of fear and we are told that we are not to live in fear. So, I’m working on it.

In the meantime, I have joined an online small home group study (called life group in our church) and have met two women that I am really enjoying getting to know. That we all follow Christ makes a big difference though I’ve seen the same exclusionary tactics done in church as well as outside. Sadly, sometimes it is done more so in the body of Christ than it is in the rest of the world. So, I will continue to work with this area of fear and exclusion that I have struggled with so long. I’m sure that God has something in mind for me or I would not feel the draw that I do.

I’m really glad that God doesn’t have a set of rules that we must adhere to to be in his company. While Israel was given a set of rules, the purpose was really to show mankind that we didn’t have a hope of being good enough to approach God on our own. The Israelites had to do ritual sacrifices to be clean enough to allow God to dwell among them. When Jesus came and sacrificed himself for us, his was the perfect and final sacrifice. No more were ever needed.

While mankind may divide one from another, God is bringing mankind to him as though we were of one mind and one body. We have a single purpose, which is to tell others about Jesus and his great love for them. Since we are still sinners, we fail miserably but we keep trying. We are given a view of what our future holds and that is a time when we, who love the Lord and have accepted Christ as our savior, live together in peace and harmony and spent our time praising God endlessly for how much he loved us and sacrificed for us.

Revelation 7:9-12

After this I looked, and there before me was a great multitude that no one could count, from every nation, tribe, people and language, standing before the throne and before the Lamb. They were wearing white robes and were holding palm branches in their hands. And they cried out in a loud voice:

“Salvation belongs to our God,
who sits on the throne,
and to the Lamb.”

All the angels were standing around the throne and around the elders and the four living creatures. They fell down on their faces before the throne and worshiped God, saying:

“Amen!
Praise and glory
and wisdom and thanks and honor
and power and strength
be to our God for ever and ever.
Amen!”

There’s something wonderful about waking up each morning with the possibility of a world that will be fresh and clear. As Christians, we know that the reverse is true, that the world is headed on a destruction course which was set in motion by the original sin of man.

Still, after a rain overnight, the air feel fresh and the sky looks clean. While any rainbow is long since gone, I look out my window and wish to be able to take a nice long walk outside.

Unfortunately for me, that isn’t possible. While the air may look and smell clean, there are dangers lurking there for me. There is pollen and there is ozone and there is something insidious called PM2.5. This is particulate matter so small, it ends up in the lungs and can cause damage or even, at high concentrations, death to those who have compromised lung capacity.

So, I look from the inside out, enjoy the view, but stay here inside the filtered confines of my house. And I am content. I’ve learned to be thankful in all circumstances, including the one that I am living in at this time. I’m thankful to be alive. I’m thankful that God is setting my path. I’m thankful that, by means of this blog and other methods, I can reach out to the world to tell the good news of Jesus Christ.

As Christians, Jesus commissioned us to spread this news. It was his last command before he left us to join the Father. We are to spread the news of Jesus’ work on the cross as our forgiveness of sin. We are to tell others of the resurrection power and eternal life that we will share in. We know this because Jesus, proving himself to be God, rose from the dead three days after his crucifixion.

We earned death as our “reward” by being sinners. It is our fate and it is what we deserve. Jesus, on the other hand, never sinned. He did not earn or deserve death. But he choose to submit to it. It did so out of love for each of us.

He took my sins and my punishment and paid my price. He did so for you, too. He saw each of us and said, yes, I will do this for you. If it were only for me alone, he still would have said yes. Thankfully, he was able to provide this sacrifice for anyone who will accept it as a gift. He took the punishment so we don’t have to. The sin debt has been paid.

Right after Jesus gave up his spirit, the veil that separated the Holy of Holies in the Temple in Jerusalem was ripped in two. This veil kept man from entering the area of the temple which was set aside for God’s spirit to inhabit.

Man was not allowed direct access to God the Father after the original sin. Our spirit had died, just as was promised would happen if we disobeyed God. Our link and our access ceased. God is good and holy and cannot have sin in his midst. So we were kept separate.

When Jesus died, he paid the price for our sins and re-established the link between God and man. The veil ripping was the destruction of the block between us. When we become Christians, our sins are washed away and God remembers them no more. We are reborn spiritually and the connection is there once more. We can now approach God directly.

When Jesus rose from the dead, he proved that he was God. He promised this would happen and it did. While he submitted to the agony of death and separation from the Father, death could not hold him. He rose from the dead three days later with an eternal resurrected body. He is alive and is with the Father waiting for the time when he is allowed to return for us.

He promised that we would share in his resurrection and that is the promise that Christians know to be true. Sure, there are times when the enemy puts doubts into our minds. That’s what an enemy will do. They will try to break up the stronghold. When that happens, do as I do and ask God to remind you of all the times that you knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that God was working in your life. When I think of those times, my doubts disappear.

This is what the good news is about. We are to share this throughout the world. Jesus has told us to do this and then the end will come. For Christians, the end means the time when we are reunited with God forever. For us, it is a time that we look forward to with all of our heart, soul and mind.

However, for the unsaved world, it is a different story. Those who are not Christians will not share in the glory of heaven with us. They will be forever condemned. That is why Jesus tasked us with spreading the news of his sacrifice. He wants everyone to accept his gift of salvation and share eternity with us.

It’s easy to find excuses for not obeying his last directive. I’m too busy this week. I have work I have to do. The kids need extra help. I’m tired. I’m sick. I’m shy. I don’t like talking to strangers. I’m afraid of people I don’t know. I don’t know what to say or do.

I know all the excuses because I’ve used them all myself. I can’t tell you the times that I could have talked to others. My husband used to laugh and say that if he left me alone anywhere for more than three minutes, he would come back to find a stranger sharing their life story with me. It wasn’t anything special about me, it was God bringing someone to me who needed to hear about him.

Most of the time, I failed miserably and didn’t share a word about God. The few times I did, the person I was talking to was receptive and asked questions. While I never led anyone to accepting Christ, I like to think I helped plant some seeds in those individuals that other Christians could “water” with the word of God and see the rebirth of that person.

The thing is, you never know what a person is going through. You don’t know where they are on their spiritual journey. That they are on such a journey is beyond doubt. We are all born desperately trying to fill the empty spot inside that is God shaped. It calls out and cries constantly to be filled. It may be that you are the one and only person who may ever speak to someone about Jesus. That may be the work you were created to do.

What I’ve learned recently is that once you start sharing, it becomes easier. It can only be done as appropriate. Work, I’ve found, is not the right place or time if the workplace does not allow for this type of discussion. Be aware that the workplace can extend to lunches, dinners, etc. If it is work-related, it is to be governed by the rules of the company. Just as with rulers, we are to respect those who are placed in positions above us.

Otherwise, I don’t force myself on anyone but I will tell them what I think. If they are receptive, great. If they aren’t, great, too. Either way, I pray for them. God is working with them or they would not have come into my sphere of influence.

The other thing I have learned is to be completely honest. I tell about my experiences and how God has worked with me. I share that I have been stiff-necked and hard-headed. God has had to knock on my head a number of times to get my attention. I share about how I thought that I didn’t need God because I was a pretty decent person. That was, until I discovered that I was as evil as evil could be.

If you are a Christian and trying to find how God wants to use you, know that sharing the good news is for all of us. Beyond that, God definitely has a job for you and a path that he wants you to follow. Ask him to point the way for you and to keep you on the path.

I found that writing this blog was something he wanted from me. This is about him and not about me.

Recently, I’ve felt that there is something more for me to do. I’m still house-bound (even more so since I hurt myself a couple of weeks ago as it is difficult for me to walk – but it’s getting better everyday), so I have to find ways and means to reach out from where I am. I am thankful for the reach of the internet as it appears, at least for now, that this is the venue that I am to use.

I’m back to seeking God’s direction for what is next and in addition to what I am doing. If I may ask, could you pray that God will direct me to what it is that he wants for me?

At the same time, pray for direction yourself. You may be on your path but, like me, there is something more for you to do. You may be searching and trying to figure it out on your own. Remember, our knowledge is foolishness and our ways are our own. Ask God to direct you and you will find your path and it will be straight and true.

Proverbs 3:5-6

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.

In today’s world, we are continually being asked to make split second decisions. While some such decisions are merited (such as stepping out of the way of a speeding car), there are many things that we should take more time in deciding.

For myself, I seem to have two modes: see an issue, decide immediately or see an issue and research and debate it until I lose interest. There seems to be very little middle ground.

I’ve discovered that many of my split second decisions revolve around things. Things that I want much more than things that I need. In giving thought to the issue, I’ve realized that more often than not, I’m not giving any thought to it other than simply I get tempted by something, then I want it and so I get it. If I thought about it, I would probably avoid many purchases and acquisitions. Once I have the item in my home, it often gets shuffled to the side unused.

What it boils down to is self-control. I am admittedly lacking in this area and need to improve. With this effort, I will be on my own as we are in a day and time in society where self-control is not something which is extolled or admired. I see so many individuals (especially creators on YouTube) who video their exploits and post them. Exploits that others see and emulate them, sometimes with dire results. Which doesn’t seem to stop the creators or even give them pause to consider the consequences of what they show.

I don’t think that YouTube is bad at all. I watch many shows from an area known as “floss tube” (where cross stitchers around the world show videos of their projects, etc.) I also have my own channel where I flip through the interiors of coloring books to show others so they can “see” the content to help them make their decisions to buy or not if they purchase their books on-line. There is good in much of the knowledge, tutorials, etc. that we can bring into our homes.

It is the watching of daily exploits and the use of the platform to promote evil intent and content that makes it an area in which to use self-control and wisdom in watching. Even in my watching of “floss tube”, I’ve discovered that many individuals get caught up in the moment and buy more than they need or could possibly use. I’ve been able to avoid that possibly because I already have so much stash that I have been actively giving my materials away. I like to think that it is primarily because I am asking God for wisdom in this area and for Him to help me with my self-control issues.

It has only been the last six months or so that I realized that, for those of us who have this issue, the real answer isn’t in society. It is to turn to God and ask for help. Trying to accomplish this on your own is difficult. There is always something new to entice your interest. Before you know it, you are back to the old habits but with a fancy new thing – so it feels new and different.

For me, the best thing was being put on a budget of what I can spend for extras. After prayer, this is something that both my husband and I do. Since instituting this limit, I weigh the acquisition of each and everything I consider. Most of the time, I now decide against something I would have purchased previously without thought. Just the simple monthly limit has been enough to boost my self-control.

Even more recently, I realized that self-control is something that I need to exercise in more areas in my life. The topic came up in a Bible Study question and a few hours later, as I was walking much too fast on a sore foot, I was questioning how I could exercise self-control in my life. Sad to say, it wasn’t something I applied immediately in real life and in the exercise I was doing at that moment and I am now suffering the consequences.

I was walking with an odd gait because of the sore foot, heavily pulled an abdominal muscle, which then pulled my SI joint out of alignment. So, I now have a sore foot, a huge stitch in my side and pain radiating from the SI joint. Sigh… almost all of my exercises have ground to a halt while I wait to heal. My physical therapist has told me it will take several days to a few weeks depending on how bad it is and quickly I will heal.

So, my lack of self-control has cost me in the end. I now understand that I have to go slowly. Things that I could bounce back from before take more time today. I need to consider each advance and go slow. There may be some things that would be nice to do that I simply may never be able to do again. I have to accept that there are some limitations that I will have to respect.

I’m now trying to apply self-control in many areas of my life and I am a little shocked at how foreign it feels. I’m also pleasantly surprised at how much I am enjoying the feeling of self-imposed limits.

One area that my husband and I had issues with before my recent illness was with watching television. We would watch five hours or more per day. These days, there are many days when the TV is not even turned on except to watch a screen saver montage of rolling images of our family with a big emphasis on grandchildren. This is something we really enjoy. The difference has been night and day. What we can’t figure out is how we found the time to watch that much TV before as we are so busy now the thought of giving up even a half an hour seems a huge commitment.

But again, while we are asking God for wisdom and guidance, there isn’t truly much support for self-control in the rest of the world. We are under a constant barrage of ads and enticements to buy this or try that. People try to one up one another on an on-going basis. To succeed at something dangerous and simply fool-hardy may garner you the acclaim of going “viral” and getting millions of views.

There’s also more here at stake than simple fame. Many creators today are also trying to make their fortunes based on views on YouTube. They get paid for the commercials that you watch when you watch their videos. On television, the advertisers pay the channel ahead of time on the off-chance you will watch their commercial through. On YouTube, it is the reverse. The creator gets paid after you watch the commercial.

They even make money from manufacturers for testing the products not just receiving the products for free. They make money from something called shout-outs (charging to just mention your product or blog, channel, etc.) I was shocked recently to hear someone charges $10,000 per shout-out. Yikes! Just to mention you?

For my own channel, I had originally made the decision not to monetize my videos. As I was doing the work to help others, I wasn’t looking to get paid. However, I have been thinking about letting some ads play to fund the purchase of the items that I review. To not monetize is road less travelled as many may start with good intentions and then their intentions change. Even making money is not bad as it costs money to live. One just needs to be sure that the desire for money does not take over and change the way you present things.

I’m so glad that God, who is the ultimate creator, knew the end from the beginning. That he is everything good and virtuous and that he, unlike mankind, is not swayed by the ebb and flow of human life or by commercial thoughts or even by how many choose him over the enemy.

He created a pure and beautiful world and included mankind. He didn’t want slaves, so he gave us free will. He wanted people to be with him by free choice.

It didn’t take long for mankind to lose their self-control and to break the one rule he had given them. From that point on, we had lost our direct connection to God and simply had no way of repairing the breach on our own. It would take someone to be born without the taint of sin, to live a sinless life and to become the sacrificial lamb who could take on the sins of the rest of humankind by voluntarily dying in our place. Since no human on their own could accomplish this, God sent his own son, Jesus, to become one of us.

While he was wholly God, Jesus was wholly man at the same time. He was tempted just as we are but, with God the Father as his constant advisor, Jesus was able to exercise the self-control that we lack and not only turn away from sin but also to rebuke Satan who was the one who constantly was tempting him to such sin.

So Jesus lived a sinless life and willingly died in our place. As he hung on the cross in the most painful and undignified death, I’m sure he thought of each one of us. I’m sure he saw every sin we have committed or even thought of. He suffered the worst of it when his connection to his Father was severed just as we suffer the consequences of sin by loss of this connection, too. That was undoubtedly the hardest part of his sacrifice and the one that he called out before he died.

So as a man, he died. But three days later, Jesus showed the world that he was also God. He resurrected from the dead as death had no claim on him. He stayed for a time amongst his followers and then left them with the mission to tell others of what had happened and the good news that mankind had been saved from the consequences of sin and death. Also our connection to God could be restored.

When Jesus died, the connection between man and God was restored. It is there and available to anyone who accepts and acknowledges the great sacrifice and salvation power of Jesus. One needs to accept that we are sinners who need to be saved and to acknowledge that Jesus died in our place to save us from those sins. We need to acknowledge that Jesus was resurrected from death because he was God and that, because he lives, we will also share in his resurrection one day. Finally, we need to ask him to indwell us with the Holy Spirit and to guide us forward in our lives from then on.

That’s it. That’s all. There are no deeds to perform. There is no level of goodness one needs to attain before Jesus will accept us. I have to admit I am so very glad of that. When it comes to sin, I am as guilty as any and more so than most.

I wish I could tell you that becoming a Christian leads to an immediate sinless life but that is far from the truth. Sin continues to tempt and Christians continue to fail. What a Christian has is someone to go to for advice and also for forgiveness. The advisor (Holy Spirit) can help you overcome the temptation to sin – which is the best of worlds. If you fail and sin, then God will be merciful and forgive those Christians who come to him and repent of their wrong-doing.

I am so glad of this as I have had to repent many, many times over the years. God knows that we will fail and has provided a means of taking care of us. It shows how much he loves us and wants fellowship with us. He wants that oneness with all people and puts the yearning for more in the heart of the unbeliever.

If you are feeling that yearning, there is a way for you to have the security that I feel. If you are feeling a lack of self-control in a world that seems to have gone mad, there is a way to a brighter future. If you are looking to get right with God, there is a way to meet him. The way is freely available to you. Simply ask Jesus to show you his way. Consider accepting Jesus as your savior. Consider it today. Who knows what tomorrow will bring.

Galatians 5:19-25:

The acts of the flesh are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God.

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit.

I started to read in earnest when I was in fourth grade. Up until then, I was pretty much an average student. I did what I had to do in class but nothing really clicked for me. School was what you did and reading was an assignment.

The other notable thing about fourth grade, for me, was that I also learned to played the clarinet. Looking back, I think that somehow the process of learning to read music opened a pathway for me to really learn to read. Words and sentences suddenly made sense and stories hung together.

I also had a wonderful teacher that year, Mr. Oldham. He was quite scary the first day of school. He was over six feet tall, rather husky in build and was completely bald. I remember coming home from school and asking my mother to get me switched out of his class. She looked at me as if I were out of my mind and said no. That was unsurprising as she had never stepped in to intervene in school and I had never asked her to do so before. I must admit, I am forever grateful that she did not do as I asked.

Mr. Oldham was a gentleman in every sense of the word. He loved teaching children and was forever challenging each of us with new and different ways to learn. One of the things he instituted, for our class, was a weekly field trip to our local branch of the public library (which was all of one and a half blocks from the school.

He also read to us each afternoon. That was something I had never experienced before. My oldest sister would read to me on occasion (she loved playing teacher and I loved playing student) but that was when I was younger and she had less work to do for her own schoolwork. I recall Mr. Oldham read us Charlie and the Chocolate Factory and then followed it up with James and the Giant Peach. I was amazed at the idea of such exotic lands and stories.

The first book I read through, at age 8, was Little Women. I quickly ran through all of Louisa May Alcott’s books and was hungry for more. I would backtrack to the library every afternoon after school to pick up a new treasure and then head home to finish it that evening. By the end of the year, the librarians had given me permission to check out books from the adult section and I was off and running.

Unsurprisingly, my schoolwork began to improve dramatically. I was tested extensively and based on those scores and that of another boy in my class, a new curriculum was developed for a test class for the following year.

I remember finishing my work early in class and being given permission to go to the school library to wait for others to finish their work and was generally joined by the other boy I mentioned. What I didn’t realize was that others didn’t like that I had so much “play” time, which for me, was spent reading.

One afternoon, walking home from school with my best friend, she told me that when I was in the library that day, Mr. Oldham had talked to the class about me. Apparently, I was so “smart” that he couldn’t let me be bored in class and invited the kids to discuss why that might be. I was humiliated at being singled out and told my friend I wasn’t smart, just a little faster at writing and answering questions. She was happy with that answer but I was unhappy to be different from the rest of the boys and girls that I wanted so much to be a part of.

From that point on, I was always embarrassed by any sort of attention being paid to me. I became a very quiet and private individual and started my withdrawal from life. I would do my schoolwork to the best of my abilities but I would keep to myself. I stopped making friends and reading became my life. My friends were found in books, my teachers in the imaginations of some wonderful authors and my safe haven was found in the public library.

Perhaps, if I had been able to complete the test class year, things might have changed. However, true to our vagabond ways, we moved once again about eight weeks into the school year. We generally moved every year to year and a half. The constant moving made making friends difficult. That year, to add to the indignity of being singled out for my schoolwork, I was skipped a grade when we moved.

I was suddenly the youngest in the class, not to mention having none of the background of the prior ten weeks as the test class was built on its own subject matter and had nothing to do with what was ordinarily taught in fifth grade – for instance, I recall having to create my own language (written and spoken) along with designing a culture and history for the “people” who were part of it. What I was missing was knowing my multiplication tables and my US history.

So, solitude and my books became my reality. In the midst of a large and chaotic family, I was generally still on my own. I don’t think my family members noted my withdrawal from real life and I think my parents were probably happy to have a little more measure of quiet in the turmoil of our house.

When my parents marriage began to disintegrate, I withdrew even further. I didn’t want to go to school, I wanted to go to the library and spent my days teaching myself and so I did. I’ve wondered why the librarians let me spend day in and day out there without question but perhaps they knew I was safe with them and perhaps where I would be otherwise would not be so.

This began a pattern that would continue for several years. We would move, I would start school and at the first sign of nonacceptance by my peers, I would escape back to my safe zone. I still passed all of my classes with A’s based on getting my books and working through the assignments on my own. I would attend school for a few weeks at the beginning and end of a semester and it was enough.

My behavior drove my mother a little crazy. She told me she could understand if I “ditched school” to party like my siblings had done but to go to the library was insane. It was rather telling that no one thought to have me go into therapy to see what the problem was but instead they wanted to simply force me into going into class. Which I would do and then stop again.

There were two times I made an enormous effort to change. Once when I lived with my father for less than year (when he also got my glasses that I had needed for three years but were too expensive for my mother to consider buying for me. I was, by that time, so near sighted, I could not read any blackboard in class at all.) The second time was when I, along with my little brother, lived with my eldest sister and her family.

My mother had decided to commit herself to a mental institution as she thought she was insane. She probably was but not nearly as troubled as the rest of the patients around her. The few months I lived with my sister were wonderful. Anything I learned about good parenting came from that time. I also was able to get the dental care that I needed desperately (as I had cavities in most of my visible front teeth that would have caused me to loss them fairly quickly.) I went to school and was a model student.

When my mother was released and we went back to the projects where she lived, I continued to go to school at the school in Santa Monica I was at while living with my sister. Mid-way through the second semester of tenth grade, I was told I had to go to Venice High School, which was a Los Angeles city school. There was nothing wrong with Venice except that they did not teach a single class that I was taking.

Rather than allow me the ten weeks at Santa Monica to finish the year, their decision was to give me five drop fails, have me take five classes that I would not pass (due to the time left in the semester), not count my first semester as they did not teach those glasses, and add two years to my schooling as they would not accept the classes I took the previous year either as they did not teach those classes.

My decision was that I would stop going to school and get my GED as soon as I was able to do so which would take almost two years of waiting. The drop fails had taken away my only chances of a college scholarship and no one thought to tell me about grants and student loans. I figured that college was impossible for me and no one ever thought to tell me otherwise.

And so, I stopped going to school again. Finally, during the next school year, a counselor made a suggestion that I agreed to. I could go to their continuation high school (a school for troubled kids) and take as many classes during what remained then of my eleventh grade year. If I could pass enough classes, it could put me back on track to finish school on time. The only caveat was that I was only allowed to go in on Monday to receive my assignments and then to return them on Friday and take whatever tests were necessary. They didn’t want me talking or interacting with the troubled kids and making friends with them. This worked well with my withdrawal from society and so I agreed and was back where I started from.

I finished many classes during that time period and was able to attend my full senior year of high school at Venice (though I still had to take seven classes per semester instead of the standard five.) The classes were not challenging but it was enough to be done with it and I did make one good friend during that time period. For me, it was a wealth of good times to have someone to talk to.

Because of my experiences, I decided that when I had children, I would make sure I lived in the same house in the same town while they were in school and I did accomplish that. I hope it helped them and I think it did. None of the three of them had a hard time coping with life the way that I did.

It wasn’t until I became a Christian and found my true family that I felt like I fit in. There are still times when the old feelings of being too different and not quite normal creep back, especially when I am in a group of people I haven’t met before. The difference is that I now know how to deal with it properly as I am able to take my troubles to God. I’ve learned that we humans may think we are smart but really, we know nothing as everything we study is based on a fallen world. That puts me on a even keel with everyone else.

If, for some reason, you feel like you don’t fit in and that there isn’t a real spot for you to be yourself, take heart. God knows who you are. He created you for a special reason. No matter what others think about you, good or bad, you were made to be exactly who you are. Rather than working at fitting in or, as I did, escaping, you should look for the one who created you just as you are. He will give you love and acceptance and will guide your path so that your special gifts are made clear and their purpose is put to use.

God loves you and he has a plan for you. Don’t let the rest of the world turn you away from that plan. If you are a Christian, ask God to give you guidance. If you haven’t made that commitment, ask God to show you clearly that he is God and that he sent his son, Jesus, to give you a way to salvation and a full life.

He will answer that sincere prayer. Jesus says he stands at the door and is waiting for you. All you have to do is ask him to enter your heart and life and he will. He died to pay for your sins and rose again to provide those who follow him with eternal life. When you become a Christian, the Holy Spirit enters your heart and becomes a part of you from that point on. You, like me, will never be alone again no matter what the rest of the world says, does or doesn’t do.

I pray that you will ask God to show you how real he is and that you accept his gift of salvation. If you do so, you are now my brother or sister in Christ and part of my family in God.

1 Corinthians 26-30

Brothers and sisters, think of what you were when you were called. Not many of you were wise by human standards; not many were influential; not many were of noble birth. But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong. God chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things — and the things that are not — to nullify the things that are, so that no one may boast before him. It is because of him that you are in Christ Jesus, who has become for us wisdom from God — that is, our righteousness, holiness and redemption.

Sometimes I wonder how I can possibly keep up with how fast life is going on around me. It is moving so fast that that catching up let alone keeping up seems impossible.

Maybe it is a sign of my age but somehow I don’t think so. When I was young, time moved so slowly that I wanted to nudge it forward. As I have gotten older, time certainly seems to have sped up. I have seen the days go by quickly but in a satisfying way that shows a life that has been lived and well spent.

The speed of life and the world that appears out of control is different. It doesn’t leave a good feeling, rather, it can leave anxiety and even for some, fear, of what the next day is going to bring.

The daily news is so unrelentingly bad that many people are opting to just close their eyes and ears and ignore what is taking over our lives. I know that I no longer watch the news and, if I read something, I make sure that it is through a source that I can trust and still I generally don’t trust it.

With so many of us playing blind, deaf and dumb, there is little to stop whatever it is that is coming. For Christians, we have an inkling of what will be as our Lord has provided us a long term plan. Non-Christians are taking this as it comes, without an understanding of the powers that are really being put in play.

From the moment that Jesus ascended into heaven, the world has been in the end-times. He had just defeated Satan once and for all and returned to the God the Father until the Father had determined that it was time to pass some judgements upon the earth and its inhabitants.

Until that happens, Satan has still maintained his control of the powers which effect us. It is he and his force of other fallen angels who are trying to crush us and keep people from finding the saving grace of Jesus Christ.

The Bible speaks much of individuals who were possessed by these demons. I don’t believe that demonic possession has somehow stopped in the time since then. The good news for Christians is that while we can be effected by these demons, we cannot be possessed by them. With the Holy Spirit living within our hearts, that room is taken. For those who are not Christians, there is an empty spot that can be filled by good or by evil.

While Satan, himself, is busy condemning us to God (while he still has access to heaven), it is the rest of the demonic angels who are causing havoc within our world. Their delight is in our ruin and they glory in our pain.

And it is painful to see what we people are capable of doing to one another. Sometimes in the name of religion, sometimes in the name of hate itself, sometimes as a way to instill a value system and sometimes, in a way that speaks of a very twisted type of love.

It is generally the last type of abuse that brings me to my knees in prayer. When I see parents abuse their children or individuals twist love into molestation, abuse and rape that I cry out.

There are people who would kill their children rather than pay child support. There are so many men who have used the power of their position to force women into degradation (shown in the recent me, too movement.) There are young girls and boys who have been enslaved into drugs and who are selling their bodies for their next fix. There are those who beat and abuse those closest to them, including children, as a way of controlling the rage they feel for someone or something else.

It is easier and more comfortable to just pretend it isn’t happening. As Christians, we can even find some justification as we are told not to be of the world. However, I don’t think that Jesus meant for us to ignore what is going on as his last command to us was to go into the world and preach the good news that Jesus has given us freedom from sin.

If we do as we are commanded, then we are right in the midst of the battle. We are the troops of God in this time. It is for us, through prayer and through proclaiming the salvation message, to bring the light of Jesus to the rest of the world. Without us doing our part, there is no hope for the rest of mankind.

I heard recently that Christianity is always one generation away from falling by the wayside of history. I’m sure that has been true since the church first began. That it has remained in place for almost two thousand years is the sign that God has his hand on us and we are doing his will. Each generation since the first has answered the call and command of our Savior.

It’s time for us, in this tumultuous generation, to step up and ask God what he would have us do rather than simply ask him to make it all stop and go back to slower and easier times. The tempo of life around us is increasing and becoming more and more disjointed as it works its way to destruction. Unless God provides a time of haven, it will increase exponentially.

When we read about the latter days, the type of judgements that will be poured out make today’s news seem tame. Still, God has a plan and he especially has a plan for his children. As Christians, we should have no fear of the future but, as Christians, we should also be stepping in and stepping up and doing our part.

Each of us is a part of the body of Christ. We all have our special and unique spot and job to fill. If we don’t do our task, then the whole body is diminished and our work is left undone. There is also the frightening possibility that someone, somewhere will not hear the good news of Jesus because we were not obedient in doing what God asked of us.

I know that, for years, I ignored the call of God in my life. It’s taken my recent illness to wake me up to start fulfilling the role and path that God has for me. God’s plan would still have gone forward but I would have lost my part in making it happen.

That’s not to say that salvation is contingent upon our doing our work as no one can earn the grace of God. Instead, our works are a way of thanking God for the salvation that Jesus gave us freely. If I had continued to ignore the pull of God, I would still enter heaven when my life is over but I would have missed the opportunity to do something pleasing to God and also the blessings that God would pour out on me for having been obedient and answering his call.

If you are a Christian and, like me, having been putting your head in the sand, it is time to stop and take a good, hard look at the world. Then get down on your knees and ask God what he would have you do. When you get your answer, and you will, then do the job that he has given you. Do it whole-heartedly knowing that your efforts are pleasing to God.

Each day has been a gift to me. When I was told months ago to get my affairs in order, they meant that I would most likely die that very day. I was thankful for the warning as it gave me time to fix the one relationship in my life that was not in a good spot. With it fixed, I was ready for death without fears or regrets.

But I didn’t die. The only reason I could conceive of was that God still had work for me to do. In the first months after I came home instead of dying in the hospital, he put it on my heart to look for the reason I was still alive. It became clear to me early this year that writing this blog was a big part of what he wanted me to do.

I have always been a very private person about life events that matter most to me. It hasn’t been easy to talk about things in my life that have caused me pain and grief but I am doing so in hopes that someone can find some help and comfort in hearing about my experiences and that God is glorified in all that he has done for me. Some of the most challenging parts of my life are still waiting to be written about and, while my own mind doesn’t want to speak of them, I know that if and when God asks me to do so, I will.

This is the attitude that God wants from us. When he calls, our answer should be, Here I am, God, show me, send me, use me for whatever your purpose is. We need to stop hiding from the rest of the world and, instead, show the light of and proclaim the love of Jesus to those who are dying without him in their lives.

It is our great commission and it is time, right now, for us all to step up and fulfill the individual mission that God has for each of us.

Matthew 5:13-16

“You are the salt of the earth. But if the salt loses its saltiness, how can it be made salty again? It is no longer good for anything, except to be thrown out and trampled underfoot.

You are the light of the world. A town built on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven.”

When I was a little girl, I was the baby of the family for five years before my little brother was born. I had (in descending order), my big sister, my big brother and my next to oldest sister. My eldest sister was pretty much our mother hen. She took care of us and helped us so much. My next eldest sister was a little upset that I had come along and upset her applecart of being baby. While I didn’t understand it at the time, I do now!

In between, there was my big brother, George. I thought the sun raised and set with him. In good part because my parents definitely thought higher of their sons than daughters. Again, a sign of the times and of their cultures.

To me, it seemed there wasn’t anything that he couldn’t do. He probably hated the idea of his five year younger sister trailing after him but he took it in good stead. He watched out for me, kept my sister from terrorizing me too much, and let me watch while he performed miracles of magic. He was Superman in my eyes.

He was able to draw Snoopy and the rest of the Peanuts characters for me to color. He played baseball and could run fast as the wind – or so it seemed to me. I remember watching him and think how wonderful life was when he was around.

He was a good brother. He was so good looking and smart and kind. He was all of those things until he fell into the abyss of drugs.

Back in the 1960’s and 1970’s, the drug culture was just revving up. It was cool to break the law and smoke weed and worse.

I never got involved in it because I saw what it did to my siblings who, sadly, each in turn got involved. While my eldest sister was only more slightly into drugs (just a short time in high school then she became a very serious and involved mother to three darling boys), it was her then-husband who ramped my brother’s already out of control drug use to much worse drugs, including heroin. My sister had to live for years with the calamity of what drugs and alcoholism can do to someone you love and the destruction it brings to the whole family.

My next eldest sister got involved with pills though she used marijuana, too. She took uppers to lose weight and downers to be able to sleep. The thing was, she was a tiny thing to begin with and didn’t need to lose weight. She had sweet round apple cheeks on her cute face and she could not see beyond them. I’m sure there were those in her life who made her feel bad about herself back then. I know that it was true in the future and that it would have an effect on her that would last her whole lifetime.

While she quit taking the illegal drugs once she became a Christian in the early 1970s, she took multiple prescriptions for a wide variety of medical issues including depression for many years. Those medicines took a toll on her and her body and she died way too young.

Still, it was my big brother who fell into the darkness that drugs create. He went from a loving and caring person to someone who would use and abuse anyone at anytime. My mother never saw it in him though perhaps because he was excellent at manipulating her. She had her own set of troubling issues and was not above using him when it suited her as well. I know now that it was the drugs that obscured his thinking and controlled his actions but for me, at the time, he went from a loving brother to a monster – someone who scared me and threatened me in ways I had not experienced before.

It was a blessing from God that I never not get involved with drugs. It would have been so easy. In fact, staying clean was really difficult and unpopular. Everyone was turning on and tuning in and I walked to a different drummers beat.

Oh, boy, was I ever proud of myself. All I know is that I could see the loss of control and the darkness that emerged when others took drugs. I read about what drugs did to your mind and I was convinced that I would never want to cloud or damage my intellect with chemicals. I thought way too highly of myself but it did keep me clean. For that, I am grateful though I’ve learned that whatever I thought I knew, I didn’t really know much at all.

But the illegal drugs… Because of the experience of my siblings, I was like a hawk when it came to my children. I convinced myself that if I could monitor them constantly, I could keep them falling down the rabbit hole. I would point out the risks of drugs and what it meant for the future for those involved but I wish I had stressed this more and had a slightly lighter rein in policy.

I had four nephews and four nieces and while I’m not sure about the others, definitely two of my nephews got involved with illegal drugs as well. One was able to pull himself out of it (with the help of Jesus); the other was not able to do so.

Turns out that I did a pretty good job of it with my children until my son became ill with leukemia at age 17. I ended up spending much of the next 18 months with him in the hospital before he passed away – not from the leukemia but from a yeast infection in his brain. But, perhaps, that is a different tale for a different time.

My youngest daughter was only 13 at that time. Without the constant monitoring and because I was mostly monitoring and not teaching the dangers, she started to get involved with others who took drugs. Her friends who were not involved backed off from her company and she was left with only the known bad kids to hang around with.

Once I was home after my son passed away, I could see that she was in emotional trouble. She told us what had happened and that she didn’t want to be associated with the bad kids any more. We were able to get her into a private Christian school (but perhaps from the frying pan into the fryer there for other reasons) and she was able to recoup and get her life back on track without the stigma of being one of the group that took drugs.

I worry about kids today. The gateway drug for years as been marijuana. As more and more states are legalizing its use, the gateway drug(s) get ever more dangerous. I won’t debate whether marijuana should be legalized, that’s not my decision. I know that kids push the envelope and if that envelope is further down the road at the beginning, they will meet it and push it ever further.

It makes me sad to think of the dangers our children face today. I know that it was bad when I was young. That my daughters had it even worse than I. I can’t fathom what my grandchildren will look at and consider acceptable as far as risks and dangers are concerned.

I do know that the only answer that will solve the problems of today is to be found in the sacrificial offering that Jesus made on the cross for us. He took all of our sins and placed them on his own head. God the Father is holy and true and cannot have sin in his presence. So God himself had to come up with an answer to what would have been unsolvable for mankind alone.

The problem is that we humans are mired in sin. We are born into it and each of us embrace a sinful life at one point or other. We are all guilty and deserve to be eternally separated from God with the spirit within us dead. God loved us so much, he was unwilling to let that happen. So, he sent his Son. Jesus was born among us and was raised and tempted just as we are. He was able to turn away from sin and live the life that God asks us to live.

He became the perfect sacrifice. If you ever study Judaism, you will find that the religion has many types of sacrificial offerings detailed. They were forerunners of an ultimate sacrifice. When Jesus came to this earth, his sacrifice, the ultimate one, forever took the place of all of those other offerings.

His perfection was traded for our imperfection. His whole spirit and communion with God was traded for our dead one. His life given in exchange for our eternal life.

What kind of man would trade so much for such a group of sinners? Only one and he is God.

If you are living with drugs in your life, whether you take them yourself or those who are close to you do so, God loves you. He sees beyond the trappings of our lives and sees you as you are and where you are. He knows what you are going through. He saw you when he sent his Son. Jesus was looking at you when he offered up his life to give you eternal life.

You can be set free. Accept the gift of life that Jesus is offering to you. That’s all you have to do. Then ask him to help you. Ask him to get you away from the culture and the life that is dragging you down to the pit.

I can’t promise rainbows and lollipops but I know that Jesus will step in and help. But it all starts with you. Today is the day. Yesterday is past and tomorrow is not promised. Choose hope instead of sorrow. Choose an unclouded mind instead of a life of slavery to a drug. Choose life instead of death.

It’s your decision and yours alone.

1 John 4:9-10 This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him. This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins.