Month: April 2018

There is something in the human spirit that causes each of us to hunger for something more. Across the world and through the ages, mankind has looked outward and upward for a deeper meaning to life, something that shows us that we are not alone. There is an empty space inside each person that yearns to be filled. We all know the feeling of being lonely even in the middle of the crowd. We want something real to believe in.

There are so many paths to take looking for meaning. Some of us fill it with things of the world. Whether it is a relationship (or many brief flings), money, possessions or whatever, none of these fill that spot. Having attained whatever it is a person desires, they then turn to looking for something new.

Others numb themselves to the speaking of their spirit. Drugs, alcohol, work or even a hobby that consumes their time and drowns out their desire for more. However, when the drugs dry up and the alcohol leaves them jittery, when the job is lost or the hobby turns cold, they are right back looking for the way to fill the emptiness inside.

There are still others who want to deny this need for deeper meaning. They want to say there is nothing more. That everything that is is in the here and now. They deny that they have a spirit, merely a physical body and a brain.

Even through their denial, they are actively trying to drown out their spiritual needs. They look to the heavens to look into the past. They want to see the beginning of it all for themselves but will not admit there was a creator. They are looking for a beginning that never existed as it appears in their minds.

Finally, there are those who look for spiritual meaning. They can look here and there, following the trend of the moment. They can look for a god that has history. They can find spiritual meaning in their inner self. They can believe in many gods and the ability to be reincarnated to come back and live life over and over again.

With these religions, the individual has to gain right standing with their good works – whether it be physical deeds, monetary gifts or even the society in which you were born. The problem is that the empty spot is still empty. None of this will ever fill that space.

I have seen these scenarios play out time and time again. I have been on several of these false paths. Loved ones have been on others. You will search and seek and, for a time, think you have found the answer. Then you realize it was all a house of cards and then you move on, searching once again.

For me, I realized that all of it was worthless. There was nothing I could do to wipe away my past. It was there in front of my eyes and mind day in and day out. It was as if I carried the weight of my sins as a burden throughout the day. I couldn’t share how I felt and the things that I had done because I knew others would turn away from me in revulsion. Worse still, others would encourage me in my path of self-destruction.

I needed help.

I found that help. I found forgiveness. I found redemption. I found purpose. I found Someone who loved me no matter what I had done. I found Someone who would help me going forward.

I called out to God and asked, “If you are really God, then show me, give me something to believe in. I want to lay my burdens down and have someone to help me.” He never fails to answer this plea and He led me to my answers right in my living room. For me, it was as simple as turning on the television to a Christian channel.

Once I accepted Jesus, I found that the He fit that empty space inside. He also brought the Holy Spirit to dwell inside me. He’s there in good times and He’s there in bad times. He’s there whenever I need help. He’s there when I have strayed off course and want to find my way back again.

It’s been decades since I accepted Jesus Christ as my Savior. Unlike the false answers that don’t satisfy and leave you wanting more, Jesus has been, is, and will always be the answer to my soul’s search. I have never felt the need for anything else.

I have doubts from time to time as all Christians do (whether they admit it or not.) When I am in the midst of that, I ask God to give me a renewed spirit, to quiet my doubts and to give me assurance. He never fails to answer this prayer.

When troubles arise, I can cry out like the psalmist and ask God to help me. To carry me through the crisis and defeat the threat against me. That doesn’t mean that God gives me everything I ask for. He knows what is right and perfect for me to have. He also knows that in times of crisis and challenge, my faith grows stronger and deeper.

God is the piece that is missing from our souls. Since the fall of Adam and Eve, we have been born with a dead spirit. Prior to that, man communed with God on a spiritual basis. He was their creator and their father. When they sinned, by breaking the one rule God had given them, their spiritual connection to Him was broken forever.

As mankind could never repair the breach that sin had placed between the perfection of God and sin nature of man, God had to step in to repair it himself. God is made up of a trinity, wholly separate and still are one God. The Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit.

Because God loved mankind so much and wanted to have communion with His creation once again, God (the Father) sent his Son (Jesus), to be born of a woman and to live life as we all do. He was tempted as we are. He felt joy and sadness, just as we do. The difference was that while Jesus was entirely man, He was also entirely God at the same time. He didn’t fall into the temptations that each of us do. He lived a life without sin. That made Him the perfect and blameless sacrifice. The only sacrifice that could and would forever heal the breach between God and man.

When Jesus died, He took on the sins of everyone. Those who lived before and since. He hung on the cross while God rained down on Him the wrath punishment of all mankind’s sins. For the first time in his life, the connection between Jesus (the Son) and God (the Father) was broken. It was that loss of connection that caused Jesus to cry out to ask God why He had forsaken him.

Once He had taken the full measure of punishment for our sins, He then said “It is done” and willingly died. While He had been put to death by men, dying was His choice. He could have stopped it all with one word. But then the breach would forever be left between mankind and God. He had to die to heal the connection between God and man. He died for our sins but then, as the only man to have lived a sinless life, He rose again three days later because having lived sinless, death had no hold on him. In doing so, He not only healed the breach but also gave mankind a way to eternal life.

He has the gift of grace to offer. He wants nothing in return – no promises, no actions, no good works will pay for this gift. He gives you a free gift of forgiveness for all of your sins, past and future and assure you of eternal life with Him. All you have to do is accept it and Jesus as your Savior and make Him Lord of your life. Ask Him to guide you and let others know of what He has done for you.

If you do so, you will be born again with a new spirit. One that is connected to God as it was originally meant to be. Your search will be over. The emptiness will be gone. You will never be alone again.

1 John 4:15 If anyone acknowledges that Jesus is the Son of God, God lives in them and they in God.

I’m a hard person to live with. I like to organize and plan for what will happen in the future. Not so much a worrier as much as wanting to be prepared for what is coming. I euphemistically call myself a problem solver. The truth is I like to consider all details so I won’t be blindsided when events happen.

Does it work? I’ve recently come to the conclusion that it does not. The things that happen in real life are infinitely more tragic, messy, funny, and joyous than I could imagine. There is no way to factor life’s events in your head. Who knows what will give you the moment of happiness or sorrow in your life?

True enough, events like losing my son to cancer, are things that you know will hurt. What you don’t know is that a life event like this will break your heart into so many pieces that, like Humpty Dumpty, nothing can ever put it together again. Until I am in heaven with my family reunited, there will always be an essential piece of my life and heart missing.

For the longest time after my son passed away, I let my broken heart have sway in my life. I was like a jigsaw puzzle that could not be finished – pretty much useless. I filled my life with busy work so that I would not have to think about how my life was to be without one of my children.

The busy work started to become my life. As I would finish with one avenue, I would begin a second one. Pretty soon, my behavior became not only obsessive but actually controlled and became my life. While I had always gone headlong into new ventures and hobbies, it went into overdrive. I would center around one business or hobby and then move to another. Each time, the new hobby et al would make me happy and then, again, each time it would become a mere accumulation of stuff and dissatisfaction until I found the next area to immerse myself into.

In the meantime, quite a bit of the remainders of the previous obsessions started to accumulate. Not hoarder status but certainly more than anyone should keep in their lives. When it added to the leftover stock from my internet business, the bulk became unwieldy. We moved into a bigger house twice because those were the homes we found that we liked. However, it also allowed me to store my stuff and still move to another hobby.

Then came the Amazon Vine offer. This is a program that Amazon has which allows invited individuals to choose certain items (from a list that Amazon provides) to use and to review (on Amazon.) While these items are noted as free, the truth is reviewers pay income taxes on them so the products become the wages for the work of the reviewer.

I almost threw the offer away thinking it was a scam but instead, I joined. That was seven years ago. Reviewing became my new hobby. I not only took the items from Vine but also started making the bulk of my purchases through Amazon so that I could also review them.

My reviewing hobby suddenly became much more than that. It started to control not only me but also my husband. When I started climbing the ranks of reviewers, I was shocked, mainly because I didn’t know that reviewers had ranks. I had found my niche of reviews and used those to climb to their #1 reviewer status.

This turned out to be anti-climatic. All the work that went into this endeavor was shown to be an utter waste of time. There I was, at the pinnacle, and nothing real to show for it. Worse still, even though I had attained this high rank, I felt like I still needed to work to maintain it. Something I never wanted and was surprised by, something that meant nothing at all, suddenly became even more of a chore than any hobby had been before.

While I actually enjoying using the hobby items I purchased and I also enjoyed the writing of those reviews, it was the effort of putting those reviews on Amazon that took my time and was a source of great unhappiness in my life. I knew that my reviews were helpful as many individuals told me so. I also knew that I had accumulated at least three individuals who made it their lives work to tear me apart.

So I continued unabated.

In the meantime, my health was deteriorating for a variety of reasons – none of which had anything to do with my obsession turned addiction. However, staying home and at my computer also took its toll on my health and made the other conditions worse. I got to the point where there were only a handful of items I could eat without becoming violently ill. That went on for a number of years. I became weaker and suffered from malnutrition.

About a year ago, a doctor finally listened to what I was saying about what was wrong with me. She ordered tests and we found my diagnosis and treatment was two simple pills a day. With that change, I was suddenly able to eat more foods. I also had a long awaited surgery that made it easier for me to lift and carry items.

My mindset was starting to change along with my health. When, a few months later, Amazon dropped a tenth of their reviewers in the Vine program, I was one of them. When I asked my husband how he felt about it, he said okay. He asked me how I felt and all I could say was “Thank, God, it’s over.”

Well, it wasn’t quite over. I still continued to buy my hobby items and to review them. However, it was with less intensity. It still took an enormous amount of time and effort – mostly due to the bugs in the Amazon review system that took putting in a written review, video and photos a four day long ordeal. That was in addition to actually using and testing the product, coming to a conclusion about it and finally writing the review.

Worse still, I had somehow come to care about how this unwieldy system worked. I would write recommendations to Amazon’s executive staff. Some of which they used, some they did not. Yet another effort that took up much of my time. Not to mention that I was providing hours and hours of free work per week to a half-trillion dollar company.

It was at this point that I became very ill and was hospitalized. For nine days, I could have cared less about what had seemed so important before. When I got home from the hospital, I took a break but then wrote a few reviews. I had the same problems and it took much too much of my time.

It was around this time that God told me to stop putting my hobby reviews on Amazon. I could continue my blog and vlog but Amazon, for those items, was not allowed for a season.

I stepped back and put my effort into working on my improving my health and, too, into writing for this blog.

Then I heard a sermon about false idols and false gods. I learned that all sorts of things can be your false god. I was challenged to look at my life and look to see where my time, effort, thoughts and money were being placed. At that moment, I realized that I had created my false god in Amazon.

Once I understood that, I was able to put it behind me and drop all cares and concerns about things that were not real in life. To turn my back on the false god that I made with my own hands as surely as the Israelites had made their golden calf in the wilderness.

Instead, I am now looking at what is good and true and real. That is the love of Jesus Christ as my savior, the Holy Spirit as my guidance counselor and my Father, the Lord, as He provides for me all that is right and just and perfect.

With the help of God, I have left behind the addictions of the past. That is not only the reviewing habit but also the obsessive behavior I had indulged in since my son’s death. We are enjoying giving away what we can and also enjoying throwing away that which we cannot. Our lives are becoming both freer and richer with each less belonging that we have.

I understand now why Jesus challenged the young rich man to give up his possessions. The things of the world will tie you down and distract you when what you need to do is to move forward and to love and follow and worship God. For me, that means to stop trying to plan my life but instead to let God take care of me and do as He asks of me.

John 4:21-24 “Woman,” Jesus replied, “believe me, a time is coming when you will worship the Father neither on this mountain nor in Jerusalem. You Samaritans worship what you do not know; we worship what we do know, for salvation is from the Jews. Yet a time is coming and has now come when the true worshipers will worship the Father in the Spirit and in truth, for they are the kind of worshipers the Father seeks. God is spirit, and his worshipers must worship in the Spirit and in truth.”

Learning to forgive others for the wrongs that they have done to you, or especially, to those you love, is difficult. It doesn’t seem to come easy. It goes against the fiber of human nature.

I know that I have had this problem in the past and still fight against it to this day. I could give you a list of some of the wrongs that have been done to me. I could give you a much more extensive list of the hurts, slights, and down right bad things that have been done to my children. I used to jokingly say, you can do whatever (fill in the blank) to me and I will be okay with it, but if you do it to one of mine, I will come after you.

I won’t give you the long list, but I will tell you about one incident that sticks and burns in my mind years later. It involved one of my children.

My eldest daughter was only in (Christian) preschool when I received a telephone call from someone who identified themselves as a local police officer. She told me that there was a report of sexual abuse at the preschool my daughter attended. She then asked to speak to my child. I was a little surprised because who would talk to a young child without the child’s parent being present on the phone? I refused but said I would be happy to come to the station with my daughter and we could all talk together.

I was right to do so as the woman then started spewing abusive sexual language into my ear about my daughter. I hung up shaking with rage. Yes, this was when you could slam a telephone down with anger and that was a very satisfying action!

I’ll never forget as that call came in on a Friday evening before a three day holiday weekend. The abuser had planned it perfectly. The problem in those days was, while I could and did report her to the police immediately, I could not call the telephone company to have her calls traced until Tuesday, the next business day.

The woman kept calling throughout the entire weekend. We let it go to answerphone (which was a micro cassette tape in those days.) The police had asked us to record the calls for evidence. All weekend long, she would call and say the most horrible things about my daughter and what deviant sexual acts she was going to do to her. Also things that proved that she actually did know my daughter which was the scariest part of it all.

Her last call was late Monday evening. She knew when to stop calling so as not to be traced. I had the cassettes which I took to the police on Tuesday. The telephone company put a trap on my line but told me there was nothing to be done unless she called again.

The police officers in my city took the matter very seriously. They told me it was common for men to behave this way but extremely unusual for women to do so. Also, because of the rarity, it generally meant it was personal and would be acted upon.

The mistake she made was that she didn’t just call my daughter and she mentioned my daughter’s preschool by name. She called several other children. Some parents actually let this perverted woman talk to their child. We all reported the crime.

The police stations in the various neighboring cities started working together and came up with a short time frame during which the children were in the same school, same class and at the same time. They also pinpointed a former employee who had had all of the children in her care for a period of two weeks before she was fired for other reasons. They were also able to figure out that she had not acted on her thoughts and words, at least not that time, as she had not been left alone with the children.

I was impressed with how quickly they found the woman and that they prosecuted her and she went to jail. Justice was swift and justice was served.

What I remember most about the episode was the rage that I felt. The strength of it made me physically shake. I have been angry before and since but nothing like the consuming fire of hatred I felt towards this woman. Frankly, I wanted to kill her. If I could have gotten my hands on her, I just might have done so. When I found out that she had done this to other children that I knew, it made me all the more enraged.

Even though I was and am a Christian, I buried the feelings down deep as an unforgiven wrong. Whenever I heard of sexual predator pedophiles, the memory would spring up and the same rage would fill me even though it has now been more than thirty years since it happened.

In going through our church’s stored past sermons, my husband and I heard and watched one recently about Grace. That it is undeserved forgiveness. The type that Jesus showed us when He died for us. He not only forgave us, He did so because He loved us – even while we were still sinning. He forgave us for all of our sins, including those against Him directly.

Jesus told us that doing a forbidden deed is a sin but also what is in our hearts and minds is as much a sin as a deed. Based on both deeds and thoughts, I’ve broken every one of the Ten Commandments. I’m guilty and my swift and sure justice should be death. And it was to be so, but then, Jesus volunteered to stand in my place and take my punishment. There’s nothing I can do to earn a pardon like that, all I can do is accept the sacrifice He gave me and thank Him forevermore for saving me from spiritual death.

The prayer that He left us with as an example of what we should pray for, the Lord’s Prayer, asks God to forgive us as we forgive others. He wants us to show others the same undeserved forgiveness that we were given.

A number of deeds I have had happen to me came to mind after hearing the sermon. I easily and wholeheartedly forgave those individuals responsible and I then put the pain behind me. I thought that was the end of it and went my way.

Each day since, something new has come to my mind and I worked through and did forgive those people. Just yesterday, I found out something that a dentist had done which almost certainly contributed to my current illness. Again, it was easy to say to God and to mean it – I forgive her.

When I sat down to write this today, I had no idea what my subject would be. I was a little concerned that I would have nothing to say. It was as if God took control of my hands and thoughts and wrote the paragraphs words for me.

Then as I typed, the whole episode regarding my daughter sprang into my mind and, for a moment, the rage burned again. I not only had to forgive the woman, I also had to ask God to forgive me for the murderous hate I still felt. While it went against every human (sin) nature that I have ever felt, I gave and asked for forgiveness. I know that He did forgive me as the rage went away and will never come back again.

I still feel sad that it all happened and am glad that my daughter had not personally faced any of it. But the weight of my sin is now gone. I can now pray for the woman involved to face her own sins and accept Jesus as her savior and turn from the evil ways she has been following. If she does so, she will become my sister in Christ. We will spend eternity together praising the One that saved us from our sins.

It’s time for us all to look inward and find those hurts and pain and rage. It is time to bring them to the Light of God’s love. He knows what has happened. He knows how hard it is. He also knows how light the burden will become once we forgive others as He has done for us. These old pains are some of the reasons we are being held back in our Christian walk. It is hard to pick up the cause of Jesus and walk His way when we are anchored in the past with pain and lack of forgiveness.

Ephesians 4:31-32 (NLT): Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior. Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.

I lived in Southern California for most of my life. In that environment, telling people you were a Christian, sharing the Gospel, or simply trying to live a Christian life, was tantamount to admitting you were not only different but also a bit of a freak.

However, there were still enclaves of Christians to be found. I found some at work, at my children’s schools, at social events. Some were even to be found at church. I say that only half jokingly. Many of the churches there were spiritually dead. Trying to sit through a service, I would fall asleep. I wanted to hear the Word of God and instead got lectures on good works and social equality.

After we moved to Texas, we found that talking about being a Christian is a different experience than doing so in California. People are more receptive to hearing you talk about Christ and what being a Christian means to you.

Because of that freedom, I found out that God had His hand of protection on me during my illness. Doctor after doctor, nurse after nurse told me that they were Christians as well. My surgeon told me he would pray for me. When I responded that I knew prayer worked, he told me that praying for healing worked, too, and that he would pray for that for me.

My physical therapist is also a Christian and that makes a big difference in what we discuss as far as my goals. I am thinking far ahead but we are working with the here and now. He understands my goals and how they work in my Christian life and is helping me to meet those goals. We’ve discussed prayer and healing as well.

It’s amazing how God protects His children in every detail. We have hired cleaners to take care of the house as I cannot do the work and my husband has all of his time taken up with his work and taking care of me as my full time caregiver. We were supposed to have one cleaning crew that my husband had met but instead a young man and a changing partner kept showing up. I liked the guy and would exchange pleasantries with him.

One day, he didn’t arrive and instead, a crew of two women showed up. They sprayed cinnamon scent in our master bath and bedroom that almost made me pass out. What my husband went through to get some of that scent out so I could sleep that night was hours and hours of work. After that, I told my husband I only wanted the young man to head our crew and my husband made sure that was the case.

The next time the crew showed up, the young man was there and told us he would always be part of the crew that came to our house. We got to talking and I mentioned that I was a Christian and he responded that he was too. No wonder I felt so safe with him taking care of our house.

When I was writing my blog post about finding our new church, I mentioned it to the young man. I told him the story of how God had tugged at my heart and how we finally found our way to it. He told me that he had goosebumps on his arms because he was pretty sure of what I would answer. He then asked me what church I was attending. When I told him Chase Oakes, he excitedly exclaimed, “Me, too. My wife and I go to that church.”

We’ve been able to talk every other week for a few minutes about what is going on at the church that my husband and I have never stepped foot in. It helps bring church home to me in a personal way that I have missed.

So, talking about Christ, meeting other Christians, and even finding and/or going to church can be hard or easy depending on where you are located. I’ve lived in an area where living my faith, expressing it, and raising my children as Christians was more often than not mocked and scorned. Now, I live in an area where it is easier and not unexpected to share your faith. In my case, God is bringing more Christians into my life and into my home than I have experienced when I could freely go anywhere I wanted to go.

I know that I am one of the few that are so blessed. It’s a sad comment on the time we live in that we can’t express our faith openly wherever we are. In some places, Christians are persecuted, tortured and even put to death for simply practicing their faith. While every generation has faced great persecution, this is the first time it has been global. It is also the first time we have been able to see, in real time, the daily persecution and trials of our fellow Christ followers all around the world.

In His mercy, God has given us a way to spread the Gospel to the whole world right from our own homes. He’s using the internet as a way for Christians to speak together no matter where they are located. He is using it as a place for unbelievers who are seeking to be able to read of the experiences of others who were just like them and who found salvation through the sacrifice and grace of Jesus Christ.

It’s also a spot where you can look for testimonies (like mine) and historical proof when your faith is being tested. You can find solace when and where you need it. You can find so many translations of the Bible at the touch of a finger so that you can hear the voice of God in the style or language you need. There are wonderful videos of modern and traditional worship music as well. Or, as in my case, you can find your church home through God’s use of streaming and Youtube videos.

While there is so much wrong with the world today and the internet is being used to perpetuate sick and twisted hate and evil, God has taken it and used it for the good. It’s a day when Christians can take a bold stance for Christ and to preach the Gospel that, essentially, places them in front of the whole world.

God has given us this tool and platform. The time is now. The place is here. Today not tomorrow. It is up to us to grasp it and use it to tell others of the redeeming and grace-filled love and the salvation power of the Lord Jesus Christ.

Matthew 24:14 And this gospel of the kingdom will be preached in the whole world as a testimony to all nations, and then the end will come.