One of the interesting side effects (and there are quite a few) from using Prednisone steroid (or in my case, more precisely liquid Prednisolone which is lactose free), is that you sleep very little. I wasn’t warned about this side effect (or any others for that matter) until after I was about tapered off the drug. I simply was awake all night long without understanding why.
When I have suffered insomnia before my illness, I would toss and turn trying to get back to sleep without much success. My experience with weeks of sleeplessness from this steroid turned out to be entirely different.
I was released from the hospital after a stay of nine days. Apparently, this was done without my primary doctor’s orders as she was surprised, in not a good way, when I called her the next week to ask some questions. I guess this is what happens when a great doctor dares to take a weekend off. Once she was gone, I was out of the hospital door pretty quickly without sufficient explanation or instructions. Note to self – try to get discharged from hospitals on a weekday when the primary crew is around.
Starting with the first night, as my husband would nod off, I would come quickly and fully awake and would stay so all night long. I tried reading but I couldn’t concentrate too well (again, another steroid side effect.) Then I did what I should have done immediately – I prayed that God would either let me sleep or give me peace while I was awake. That I would not spend those hours with a troubled mind and be fearful of the future.
That prayer opened the floodgates of God’s love and protection for me. As it turns out, I did not sleep at all. Instead, the Holy Spirit spent those hours speaking with me – each and every night so I was never alone. Being awake at night became a blessing. God could speak to me for all of those hours with my full attention; something that had been so difficult to do during the daytime when my mind was busy with all that was going on around me.
I can’t attest to whether or not someone who is passing has their life flash before their eyes, but I can tell you that through those days and weeks, I saw a slow motion view of my life starting from when I was a toddler through the present day.
What God did for me was to walk me through my life and help me heal from hurts, understand how I had hurt others, and finally, how I had moved off the path He had for my life and to understand that I needed to make big changes for my life to have real meaning.
I can’t explain everything that was revealed to me. Some of the hurts had been so well buried, I did not bring them easily to my conscious mind. God explained what had happened and why. Then He told me to release the pain. When I learned also, how my actions had hurt others, I was convicted with guilt. He told me to release that as well.
Most nights I wept throughout and, in the morning when my husband woke up, I would tell him everything I had learned the night before.
What I learned during that time was that while I knew Christ had forgiven me and wiped away my sins, I was having a hard time forgiving myself and others. I carried my guilt around like a heavy anchor that I would drag behind me.
As one example, God brought to my mind the enormous guilt I had over the things I had done wrong as a mother to my three children. While the punishments I meted out were not bad by society’s standard, to me, the times I took my anger out on them when I was really angry with someone else was untenable. I had changed my ways (through prayer) and had apologized to each of them. They had each, in turn, forgiven me. The problem was that I had yet to forgive myself.
When my eldest child, my son David, was 18 and was fighting against the aggressive leukemia that eventually took his life a few months later, I was drowning in my guilt once again. I apologized once more for my poor parenting and he looked at me in bewilderment and said, “Mom, I have already forgiven you. Why would you bring it up again?”
I remember being shocked at my son’s response and how I understood that his response would be the same as that of Jesus when I continued to feel guilt and confess sins that He had already forgiven. While I had that understanding, for some reason, I was unable to let it go in my heart.
I also carried my hurts close to my heart. Through God’s revelations to me, I learned to forgive myself and, where possible, to ask forgiveness of others.
Getting my life back on God’s path for me is something that is taking time. I learned much about what I was doing wrong but, like a good parent, He is letting me learn for myself what it is that I am to do. It’s been amazing how much has become clear as I opened myself up to changing my life. I will never be sorry to be sleepless again as I know I can call upon God to keep company with me and He will come to my aid.
The changes in my husband and my lives will be the subject of many posts in the future. My hope is that these stories will help you in your Christian walk or provide edification to anyone who is searching for meaning and wondering what Christianity, Jesus, and salvation is all about.
Psalms 46:1 God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.
